A mistake in cultivation of children: preferring sons over daughters

preferring sons over daughters

Reference: http://www.haddady.com/ra_page_views.php?id=428&page=3&main=2

Some fathers and mothers lean towards preferring sons over daughters; they do so in different ways – materialistic and moral; through their actions and statements. To the extent that it leads to the daughter disliking her father or mother, and hating her brother – or brothers – which results in a weak family relationship and a destruction of relationship between individuals within the family.

Due to the importance that the Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) placed upon establishing justice, ensuring purity of the hearts and the cohesion of the Muslim family and its relations; as well as the feelings of the sons and daughters being pleased with the family structure as well as [them being pleased with] the leaders of their path (i.e. the father and mother);

[Due to all this] the Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) used to order with justice between sons and daughters even if they be little children.

A man was with the Messenger of Allaah (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) and his son came to him. He kissed his son and sat him on his thigh. Then after this his daughter came and he sat her besides his side. The Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) said to him:

If only you was just between them both

i.e. between the son and daughter. [1]

So the Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) rebuked him for not treating his son and daughter equally in kissing them. He kissed his son but did not kiss the daughter. [If this is the case with regards to a kiss, then] how about a person who is not just between his  sons and daughters in matters which are far greater than this by many levels?

The Salaf (the pious scholars of the early generations) understood this upright methodology in cultivating children and interacting with them.

Ibraheem an-Nakha’ee said, “they used to love to treat their children with justice, even in kissing [them]” [2]

Also, in the story of an-Nu’maan ibn Basheer, we find the Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) drawing the attention of the father of Nu’maan to this reality; this is when he gave his son Nu’maan a gift that he specified for him over the rest of his children. He came to the Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) making him a witness over the gift. So the Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) questioned him,

did you give a similar gift to all your children?

He said: “No”

The Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) replied,

do not call me a witness to this, I do not bear witness upon oppression. Would it not please you that all of them are equal in their obedience to you?

He replied: “of course”

The Prophet said to him:

then, no [do not do this i.e. exclude a child from what you have given another] [3]

He meant by this that giving to one child [over the other] causes resentment in the mind of the child who was excluded; his heart then turns against you and away from obedience and goodness to you.

We ask Allaah to aid us in providing a good cultivation to our children and he gives us their righteousness, indeed He is the One who listens to the supplications.

Footnotes

[1] Narrated by Anas Ibn Malik; collected by At-Tahaawi in Sharh Ma’aani al-Aathaar and al-Bayhaqee in Shu’ab al-Imaan

[2] Sharh As-Sunnah lil Baghawi

[3] Collected by al-Bukhaaree; in one of the narrations the Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) replied:

Be afraid of Allah, and be just to your children

Nu’maan then mentioned: “My father then returned and took back his gift”

من أخطاء التربية: تفضيل الابن على البنت

المرجع: http://www.haddady.com/ra_page_views.php?id=428&page=3&main=2

يميل بعض الآباء والأمهات إلى تفضيل الأبناء على البنات في التعامل بمختلف صوره المادي والمعنوي والفعلي والقولي إلى أن يصل الحال إلى كره البنت لأبيها أو لأمها وبغضها لأخيها أو لإخوتها مما يؤدي إلى ضعف العلاقة الأسرية ووهاء الرابطة بين أفرادها.

ولحرص النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم على إقامة العدل وسلامة القلوب وتماسك الأسرة المسلمة وترابطها، وشعور أفرادها من بنين وبنات بالرضى عن هرمي الأسرة وقائدي مسيرتها (الأب والأم) فإنه صلى الله عليه وسلم كان يوجه إلى العدل في التعامل بين الأبناء والبنات ولو كانوا أطفالاً صغاراً فقد أخرج الطحاوي في شرح معاني الأثار والبيهقي في شعب الإيمان عن أنس رضي الله عنه أنه قال :

(كان مع رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم رجل، فجاء ابن له فقبّله وأجلسه على فخذه، ثم جاءت بنت له فأجلسها إلى جنبه ، قال فهلا عدلت بينها ؟! يعني : الابنَ والبنتَ). وفي رواية (فما عدلت بينهما) .

فأنكر عليه النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم أنه لم يسو بين ابنته وابنه في القبلة إذ قبل الابن وترك البنت فكيف بمن يترك العدل بينهما فيما هو أكثر من هذا بمراحل.

لقد وعى السلف هذا المنهج القويم في تربية الأبناء والتعامل معهم فقال ابراهيم النخعي (كانوا يستحبون أن يعدلوا بين أولادهم حتى في القبل) [شرح السنة للبغوي]

ومن المفارقات العجيبة أن البنت لو عقت أباها أو أمها لساءهما ذلك جداً في الوقت الذي يعقانها فيه بتفضيل أخيها عليها وهي ترى وتسمع وتعاني من داخلها حرارة الظلم فكيف يرضيان لها ما لا يرضانه لأنفسهما.

وفي قصة النعمان بن بشير نجد النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم يلفت نظر والد النعمان إلى هذه الحقيقة وذلك أن بشيراً منح ولده النعمان عطية خصه بها دون سائر أولاده

وجاء إلى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم يشهده على هذه العطية فسأله النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم أكل ولدك نحلته مثل هذا قال لا قال فلا تشهدني إذا فإني لا أشهد على جور ثم قال له (أيسرك أن يكونوا إليك في البر سواء ؟ قال: بلى . قال : فلا إذاً) رواه مسلم.

أي أن ميلك لواحد دون الاخر يوغر صدر الذي ملت عنه فيحول ما يجد في قلبه عليك من برك والإحسان إليك.

نسال الله ان يعيننا على حسن تربية اولادنا وان يرزقنا برهم انه سميع الدعاء

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Abul Abbaas, Naveed Ayaaz

He is a graduate of the Islaamic University of Madeenah, having graduated from the Institute of Arabic Language, and later the Faculty of Sharee'ah in 2010. He currently resides in Nelson, Lancashire.

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